Loss
by danceoftheheart
Summary: A vignette to episode 9x03. Just a little trek back to consider other possibilites.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This vignette was inspired by episode 9x3. Spoilers abound. I'm not sure why the PTB re-introduced this issue and then let it drop…but then, let's face it…we still have yet to find out exactly what was in that cocoon, don't we? This was a piece that I started right after this episode, long before the reunion in the jungle and at one point had just let it go. However, when I was reading through material this weekend I decided that there was something interesting about this piece and that is why you're reading it now.

**Loss**

_Las Vegas_

* * *

It happened again.

I was hoping that the audio issue in the lab was an aberration…maybe brought on by stress or by grief but when it happened again before I clocked out I knew it was time to stop living in denial and face facts. This wasn't a fluke. This was serious.

The operation on my ears might have bought me some time but it was clear that it hadn't cured the problem completely.

So here I was, lying in bed, trying to ignore the ring of the phone…terrified. Almost afraid to move. What was I going to do now?

The lab was all I had left.

I reached for the phone. No answer. Damn.

* * *

_San Francisco_

After the third trek through my apartment I gave up and flopped down on the sofa. It was time to face facts. It wasn't here. Dammit. Where on earth could it be?

It wasn't in the box. It wasn't in the pouch I used for precious items when I was working at the research facility. I'd searched every inch of apartment space…what there was of it…so I knew it wasn't here. Dammit to hell and back.

Nothing had gone right since I got off the plane from Vegas. Absolutely nothing. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. And now, worst of all, I couldn't find my engagement ring.

There was only one place it could be.

I reached for the phone. Machine. Damn.

* * *

_Las Vegas_

"'I'm sorry for your loss.' 'I'm sorry for your loss.' I've said that so many times in the last couple of days that I'm thinking of getting cards printed. Gil?"

"Hmmm? What?"

Jim Brass shook his head. "Never mind. It was supposed to be a joke but it's in rather bad taste. I'll notify the family."

I nodded, leaning in to examine the bullet hole in detail but not really seeing it.

It was another scene…another death…another hopeless case where all I could do was measure the damage and send the remains to the morgue.

What kind of life was this?

* * *

_San Francisco_

"Gil? It's Sara. I have something important to speak to you about…I don't want to leave it in a message because I don't want to upset you more than necessary. Please call me back when you get in. Thanks."

I flipped my phone closed and sighed, wondering if I should have left a message at all. Still, I didn't want him worrying when he saw my number on the call display and I couldn't wait until I could catch him 'live'. There were days that we played telephone tag for hours. I wasn't up to the digital version of 'cat and mouse' today.

I settled in to wait, deciding that if I couldn't reach him in a couple of hours I'd take the shuttle back to Vegas and search for the ring myself.

* * *

_Las Vegas_

I watched my hairy arachnid attack his snack while I confirmed things with the receptionist. "Three pm? This afternoon. Yes. Yes, I'll take the appointment. Thank-you for fitting me in." I disconnected the call and shoved the phone back into my pocket, leaning back in my desk chair. The timing wasn't ideal but really, there was little choice when my specialist's next available appointment was in three weeks. I needed answers and I knew it would be foolish in the extreme to wait that long to get them.

Now came the hard part. Telling Sara.

I'd made the mistake of not telling her about the first surgery. To this day I'm not entirely sure that she's forgiven me for that, despite her claims to understand my need for privacy. I couldn't very well let it slide this time if anything were to happen.

For various and sundry reasons, I hadn't been completely honest with Catherine earlier. I did know where Sara was…and even if I hadn't, I could have contacted her by cell or email. The only way we couldn't reach each other is if one of us were deliberately avoiding the other. Things hadn't gotten to that extreme…yet. It was just easier telling Catherine I didn't know Sara's whereabouts so I could avoid all of the painful probing questions when I was at the lab.

Thinking it was better to get it over with, I reached for my cell again but stopped when I saw the screen. Sara had called me…while I was on the phone with the doctor's office. A chill raced up my spine. Coincidence? Possibly. But with our track record…there could be other forces at work. That thought actually made me smile. I ignored the voicemail icon and hit the speed dial.

* * *

_San Francisco_

"Gil! I didn't think I'd hear from you so soon. Greg tells me the lab is on doubles. Has been for a week."

"Yes. It hasn't been easy. They sent us one new CSI but since I asked for another two, we're still trying to make up the slack."

"I'm really sorry to hear that. It must be making things just that much harder."

"Yeah. Listen, I've got something to tell you-"

"Oh. Then you found it?"

"Found what?"

"My ring. I left it there, right?"

"What ring? Your engagement ring? You lost your engagement ring?"

I bit my lip. Crap. So not the way I wanted to lead into this. "Not lost, Gil. Misplaced I'm sure. There's a very good chance that I simply slipped into an old habit and put it in your cuff-link box like I used to when I knew I was heading to a scene."

"I'll check for it when I get home," he says and I hear the creak of the springs of his office chair and I know that he's sitting down. "Listen…Sara…I-I was just about to call you."

"About?"

He cleared his throat, delivering his words in soft syllables. "I've been thinking a lot about our conversation the other day…the one in my office…"

"Gil, listen, I've been meaning to tell you that…I'm really sorry things went the way they did."

"I am too but maybe…"

"Yes?"

"Maybe they were things that needed to be said. You know, to clear the air."

"Perhaps…without the blame."

"Yes. I think there's been enough of that on both sides to last us a lifetime. Listen, while I'm sorry that's the way we left things, it's not exactly the reason why I called."

"Oh. Okay. This sounds serious."

"It is. In fact, I'm not really sure how to say…"

"Just say it, Gil. I don't need you to ease into it."

"Okay. I just came from a doctor's appointment."

"What kind of doctor?"

"Specialist. The one I consulted for my hearing problems."

It didn't take her more than a second to put the pieces together. "Oh…Gil. No."

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. You've been doing so well."

"Yes…until a couple of weeks ago. I started noticing some of the same issues as before…the tunnel hearing…the buzzing…you know, I told you all about it."

"So what did your specialist say?"

"She recommended a second surgery. There's a possibility it might clear up any lingering issues…"

"Or it could make it worse, right? I mean, that's what you told me about the last surgery so I assume this one carries the same risks."

"Yes. It does."

"Oh. Damn."

"Anyway, she wants to get me in right away. There's an opening in her schedule for the day after tomorrow. I'm going to take the appointment. I was hoping-"

"I'll catch the next flight."

"Thank you, Sara." I was going to leave it at that but something in me just couldn't stop from adding. "You know…the first time I had this operation…I couldn't stand the thought of involving anyone else. I told Catherine because I had to…not really because I wanted to. Now…"

"Now?"

"The thought of going through this without telling you…I just couldn't do it."

We were both quiet for a couple of minutes and then she said. "I'll be there soon."

A/N #2: Okay, don't think of this as a cliffhanger. I don't know if I will go beyond what I started here so this could very well be the end. From a personal stand-point, I think this would have been a more interesting route to travel for our beloved pair than the Lady Heather redux and eventual, "Oh, surprise…while no one was looking I decided to change my entire existence and hare off to the jungle to be with my snugglebunny," approach but we all know what my opinion counts for in the grande scheme of things. Just some food for thought. Till we meet again. Axx


	2. Chapter 2

**Loss - Part II**

_Las Vegas _

_12 hours later_

"I'll be right here when you get back," I tell him, squeezing his hand in emphasis.

"You don't have to wait," he says sleepily as the drugs they gave him in preparation for the surgery swim through his system and start to work their magic.

The corner of my mouth quirks and I shrug. "Yeah, I do." I bend down and kiss the side of his face and then step back so that the orderlies can maneuver his bed through the door to the waiting elevator.

I watch until the steel doors close behind him and I'm suddenly hit by the fact that neither of us said, "I love you." Admittedly, though important, his surgery wasn't life threatening but that shouldn't have mattered. There was a time in our not so distant past when we wouldn't have parted company without saying those words. Now…now…while it's true I don't think we loved each other any less, we weren't as open with each other as we had been before. The sense of loss hit me like a ton of bricks and I had difficulty shaking that feeling for the rest of the morning. I sat down in the chair beside the window in the corner of the room and stare out blindly wondering how we ever let things go so far.

* * *

_Las Vegas_

_4 hours Later_

Sara and I are having a picnic at the beach. The sun is relentless, bearing down on us with a heavy oppressive heat that foretells the coming of a violent summer storm. Just as I'm about to suggest we pack up and head for the shade, she puts down the book she was reading and tosses a brilliant, teasing smile in my direction.

"I don't know about you but…this heat…well…I'm done with it. Race you to the water!"

Before I can react, she's off and running. I stand, going after her, singing out, "Sara, wait! The storm! Don't you see the clouds? This isn't smart, Sara." But she doesn't stop.

She barrels into the waves with all the carefree abandon of a child. She laughs at the splash of the water and it's icy but refreshing sting against her skin and when she's out far enough, she lets herself fall back into the surf and disappears from my sight.

I stand on the water's edge, dark clouds circling above with ominous flashes of heat lightning stroking their underbellies, thwarting my efforts to catch sight of her in the waves. "Sara?" I call when she doesn't resurface soon enough for my liking. "Sara? Where are you?"

For many moments, I hear nothing…well, nothing human. The wind has picked up and the lightning has closed in enough for me to hear the deep rumbling belches that accompany such violent pulses of light but her voice eludes me. I start to panic, moving into the surf myself, calling her name over and over again. "Sara! Where are you? Sara! Answer me."

* * *

_Las Vegas_

_One hour later_

"Ms. Sidle?"

I look up from my study with a jerk, not having realized I was no longer alone. There is a young but grim looking doctor standing at the threshold of the room, waiting for me to respond. "Yes?"

"Ms. Sidle, I'm Dr. Morgenstien. I just assisted in Dr. Grissom's surgery. I was asked to give you an update."

_An update?_ I stood up on unsteady legs. This was hardly procedure for this kind of operation. "Thanks," I murmured, crossing the room so that we can converse more easily. "Is everything alright?"

"As far as we can tell the surgery was a success. Whether or not he will continue to have hearing issues remains to be seen but we were able to work with the affected areas and we're…hopeful."

"That's good. I mean, great. Really great." My heart slips down out of my throat to its usual place in my chest and I take a deep breath to relax again. "So he's in recovery?"

"Yes."

And just like that my heart was pounding again. The doctor had only made a one syllable response but there was such a different sound to the tone that I immediately picked up on the fact that something was seriously wrong. "What's the matter? Is Gil alright?"

"No…no, I'm afraid that there is something concerning us right now. He's been in recovery for several hours now and even though he is responsive to outside stimuli, we haven't been able to bring him back to full consciousness."

"Excuse me?"

"Simply put, we can't wake him up. There are methods we could try and will if the situation becomes more complicated but at this point we're hoping he pulls himself out of this on his own. That would be a much better set of circumstances when we consider his age and his general physical well being."

"I see." I was a flattened balloon, bereft of air and just as hollow. I hadn't foreseen this possibility at all. Hadn't even remotely considered it. "How long will you…will you wait?"

"As long as necessary. Like I said, we aren't seeing any complications that could be determined as life threatening or adverse. He just simply isn't waking up according to our expected standards."

"Then he's not in any danger."

"At this moment, no. That could change-"

"How?"

"Well, he could slip into a coma…but we're hoping to avoid that circumstance with your help."

"Of course. Anything."

"Some patients have been known to pull themselves out of this kind of reaction when they hear the sound of a familiar voice. I was hoping you'd accompany me down to the recovery room and talk to him and see if that brings him around."

"Let's go," I said and grabbed my bag from the chair.

* * *

_Las Vegas _

_Twenty minutes later_

I call and call until I am hoarse from the effort and panicked beyond reason. The skies open up and the rain pelts my face in harsh pellets of hail as I tread water and fight the tide. It's not long before exhaustion seeps into my bones and the chill of the water has numbed me to my very core. Heartsick and devastated, I turn back to the shore, desperate to reach a phone and call for help, terrified that Sara is already beyond any help I could give her. But just as my feet touch the sandy bottom, I hear her. The call is thin and weak but I recognize it instantly. I turn around, fighting the volley of the storm to try to pinpoint her location as she calls out again this time adding, "I'm caught, Gil! Something's got me! Gil! Gil!"

The wind whips her words from one end of the cove to the other, making it near impossible to figure out where they are originating from. "Sara, I'm here!" I shout back. "I'm coming, sweetheart! I'm coming. Please…keep calling. Help me find you!"

"Gil! I found it. I found the ring. But something…something wrapped around my foot and I can't-I can't get free, Gil!"

"Louder, Sara! I can barely hear you!"

"Gil! I'm right here. Here! Right in front of you! Gil…ring…help!"

Her voice is frail now and sounds so far away. I realize suddenly that I'm battling more than just the wind but my own hearing as well. "You're fading in and out! I can't help you if I can't hear you!"

I turn in circles, waiting for a response, panting so hard my chest aches with the effort but there is nothing…no sound…no cry…left to guide me. She has simply disappeared.


	3. Chapter 3

**Loss III**

_Las Vegas_

_Five minutes later_

"He looks so pale," I whisper. "And so still. Are you sure he's okay?"

"We have been monitoring his progress closely, Miss Sidle. I assure you that if there is any change we will be informed of it immediately."

"Okay." I sit by his side in a chair that was provided for this purpose and reach out and take his hand, chaffing it between my own. "Gil? Gil, it's Sara. The operation is over now. It's time for you to wake up." I adjust the thin sheet that covers his form, pulling it a little higher on his chest. "You're in the recovery room. It's time to come back." No response. I soften my tone, trying to banish my worry. "Come on, Gil, you know how impatient I get. This is no time for lazing around. You promised to take me to dinner if you were up to it, or we were going to order in if you weren't. The doctors say you got through this with flying colours. Now, all you have to do is shake this off and wake up. Easy, right? Piece of cake." Still no response. "I don't know…am…am I doing this right?"

"There is no right or wrong way, Miss Sidle. Just keep talking. With any luck, your voice will register on some level and he'll respond by waking up. It's a proven method of action in this sort of situation." She pulls away and draws a curtain around the bed, enclosing us. "Here. I'll give you a little privacy. We'll keep a close eye on the monitors."

She leaves and I sit there for a moment, searching for something to say. "I'm at a loss for words, Gil. Amazing, isn't it? Never thought you'd see the day. I just-I can't think of anything really important…well, I guess it doesn't matter if it's important or not, does it? I doesn't matter what I say as long as I keep talking. Okay then. I can do that. Just keep talking. Hmm." I looked up at the monitors, my eyes tracking the read outs and the electronic pulses. "That's you on those machines, you realize. That's your heart…and your pulse…and your brain activity I guess. Strange, seeing you this way. I've never…well, you hardly ever get sick, and you've managed to avoid taking a work-related trip to emergency…only one of us that has, when you think about it. This feels…it feels so wrong, somehow. I wish I knew what was going on." I pause, a sort of desperate, humorous, but seriously skewed thought pops into my brain and I say it without thinking. "I know you have intimacy issues, but resorting to these measures to avoid me is a little extreme even for you." I giggle but it's a watery, strangled sort of sound that just makes me sick to my stomach. "Come on, Gil. We can't leave things like this. You know we can't."

* * *

_The Beach_

The storm is at the peak of its fury. The elements batter me, trying to flatten me where I sit staring out at the tide but I stay my ground, refusing to give in. I squint into the gloom, hypnotized by the thrashing waves looking for something, anything that could give me hope but no matter how hard I try, there is nothing. She's taken everything with her and I don't have the strength to go on without her. I burry my head in my arms and allow the storm to flatten me to the sandy shore.

I'm still lying there when the waves begin to creep closer. I feel the icy shift of the water rolling over my fingers, then the wrist of my out-stretched arm but I'm too numb to care. My mind keeps seeing her face…laughing…crying…thinking…and I cling to the memories desperately, terrified to let go in case I lost them too.

But then, something brushes my finger. It is hard and smooth and keeps butting up against my fingertips, demanding I look to see what it is. I open my grit-filled, sand-crusted eyes and see a ring. Sara's ring. At first I can't believe it but when I open my hand to clutch at it, it is solid and real to the touch. I sit up, fisting the tiny gold object tightly in my palm and pray. It doesn't matter that I had made up my mind long ago that religion held no place in my life. It doesn't matter that my head can think of a thousand logical reasons as to why this action makes no sense. I pray from my heart for her…for me…for us both, asking for another chance to make things right.

The hand, when it lands on my shoulder, scares me so badly I literally feel my heart stop beating for several agonizing seconds. I turn my head and…she's there!

* * *

_Las Vegas_

_Recovery Room_

I'm doing a monologue about the stupid but extremely funny emails Greg had been sending me during the past summer when one of the monitors goes haywire. And I know…I know before I hear the race of padded steps and the sudden flurry of voices that Gil has just flat-lined. I'm urged to step away, to allow them through, as the curtain parts for the medical staff and their equipment and I do it without comment and without thought. I can't think. It almost feels like I can't breathe either. I keep watching his chest, willing him to take a breath. Willing it to rise and fall. And when my lungs start to burn I gasp, gulping at the air, and try to breathe for him.

* * *

_The Beach_

I stare at her, shocked, as she holds out a hand to help me to my feet. Though rain pours off of me in deep, streaming rivulets, she is pristine and completely dry to the touch. Her mouth moves but there is no sound and it's then I realize that I haven't heard anything…not the storm or even my own heartbeat since she first slipped away into the waves.

I clutch at her hands, watching her mouth move rapidly with furiously excited words. I catch a couple of them but with dark and the speed of her delivery, it's difficult to make sense of what she's saying. "Wait! Slow down! I can't-I can't understand…I can't hear you."

She stops and looks at me blankly for a moment, surprise painting her face with pale shadows as her brows furrow, then she steps back, dropping my hands. It's no more than what I expect.

I wait for her to turn away…to walk down the beach but…she doesn't. She doesn't leave me and I don't…I don't understand why she hasn't.

* * *

_Las Vegas_

_Recovery Room_

"Dammit! We almost had him that time. Give me another shot of epi! Stat! Come on! Come on! Fight dammit. Give me something to work with!" Dr. Morgenstein's voice is rough from effort and strain, a far step from the gentle, soothing tone she'd used earlier and it grates on my nerves but I'm thankful for it all the same.

They've forgotten I was there. Standing in the corner, watching, afraid to say a word in case they make me leave. They work with a well-practiced precision. Instruments are passed, instructions are followed, and information is relayed with a speed and a mastery that is something to behold. It's a macabre dance that knows no equal. A true battle of life and death because although Gil's heart monitor had showed a beat a few seconds after he had flat-lined, it failed again almost as quickly.

* * *

_The Beach_

"Aren't you coming, Gil?" she asks clearly, her mouth moving slowly as she smiles in that quirky way of hers that always makes my heart jump.

"Coming?"

"Yes," she says, patiently. "With me. I'd like to go home now," she tells me and starts packing up our belongings in preparation.

"I-I don't know. Do you want me to?"

She tilts her head at me quizzically. "What a silly thing to ask. Of course I want you to come with me. I've always wanted that."

"But…but, so much has changed…we've been apart…work…we had that fight…and now this…" I lift a hesitant hand to my ear but can't make myself finish the sentence.

She frowns, confusion clouding her eyes. "This? What do you mean? Your hearing? Why should that have any bearing on whether or not I want you to come home with me? Come on, Gil. It's getting cold."

"I don't understand. You act like it doesn't matter."

"It does matter but not in the way you think. It breaks my heart that you've lost your hearing but it doesn't change how I feel about you."

"But…but it changes everything! I can't be a CSI."

"That's alright. You can be something else. As long as you find something that makes you happy, I'll be happy."

"You can't be serious. It does change things. It should change things."

She sighed, stepping closer until her body was pressed firmly to mine. "Stop," she ordered quietly. "Just…stop." She reached up and looped her arms around my neck and drew my head down to hers. Her mouth met mine with such warmth…such tenderness…that I swear it was all I could do to stay upright. I wanted to sink with her to the sand, to smother her skin in tiny effortless kisses until both of us were too breathless and exhausted to move. God how I missed this. When she finally lifted her head, she looked at me expectantly. "See?" she asked.

I blinked owlishly and shook my head.

"Gil, this connection between us? It's still there. It's still strong. I think it always will be. Whether we're together or not, I believe that we're linked more deeply than either one of us realizes…or at least understands. You can lose your hearing, we can fight, I can run off to San Francisco to flee my demons, but none of that changes what we feel. The only thing that matters is where we go from here. Do we go on together or do we continue to lead separate lives?"

She stepped back and held out her hand and without a second's hesitation, my hand clasped hers.

* * *

_Las Vegas_

_Two Days Later_

We were packing up Gil's office when a set of heavy footsteps approached the doorway and stopped at the threshold. A harried looking Ecklie took in the packing boxes and assorted protective materials with a degree of shock that was quite impressive to behold. I stayed where I was, in the far corner, watching the byplay while wondering casually if he even knew I was there.

"You're actually going through with this? I thought the surgery was a success."

"It was," Gil answered, not pausing at all in his methodical breakdown of his office. "In fact, there's a good possibility that I may never have to face that type of procedure again. The results are very promising."

"Then…what is this?"

That question brought Gil's head up and after a brief look around at the utter chaotic state of his office he answered, "This is something that has been coming for a while now, Conrad. The signs were there. I just think both of us were too stubborn to admit it."

"I thought…I thought after Warrick…that you were determined to stay on. To help everyone work through this."

"Originally, that was the plan but I can't continue like this. I'm not coping with things as well as I would like, Conrad. The effort is tremendous and my work is suffering for it. I need a change."

"I think you're being a little hard on yourself, aren't you? I haven't seen evidence of your work being sub-standard or sloppy. I'm sure it's just in your head."

"It's not. It's fact. I've been around long enough to know how to cover my tracks and so far my luck has held but it's only a matter of time before it all catches up to me and I hope I'm smart enough to know when it's time to call it a day. You don't need a CSI supervisor who's only half there, Conrad. This work is too important for it to be handled so cavalierly. So, as much as I can see that there's still work to be done, I know I'm not focused enough to be sitting in this chair. It isn't fair to the team, or to my wife."

Conrad choked. "Your wife? When…Who?" I cleared my throat and his head snapped in my direction, his mouth melting into a resigned smirk. "Hello, Sara. I didn't know you were back." His eyes shifted between the two of us. "So, I guess congratulations are in order?"

"Yep," I answered smartly, walking toward him to show off my brand new shiny wedding ring. "You're the first to know that we've made things official. The others haven't arrived for shift yet. We got married first thing this morning. Gil insisted. We're inviting everyone out for sushi after work. Our treat. You're welcome to join us." I sat down on the corner of Gil's desk grinning. I couldn't help myself. I'd been a grinning idiot since Gil and I said, "I do," at five am this morning.

Conrad chuckled. "Sushi, hmmm? I might just do that." He bridged the few steps to where Gil stood and shook his hand in turn. "This puts a whole new light on everything, doesn't it?"

"You have no idea," Gil said, moving to stand at my side. "The last twenty-four hours have been very enlightening." He looked down at me and my throat tightened with the hint of tears. His eyes still held shadows of the battle he'd fought to come back to me in that recovery room and I threaded my fingers through his, instinctively trying to erase the pain I saw in their depths.

"For you and me both," I said, giving his hand an extra warm squeeze.

_A/N: And that's the end of this one, folks. Sorry the last installment took so long to deliver. I've actually gone a couple of weeks without being able to use my computer for anything other than work but with any luck that situation has eased a little. On to my other stories now. Thanks for reading. Axx_


End file.
